Hearing voices

For nearly four years, our daughter has been my partner in crime. She's gone everywhere with me, an eager participant in the mundane errands of our family life. Now she's in school half days and I'm on my own. And I find myself talking out loud (as if to her, I imagine) in Target, the grocery store, etc. "Do we need cereal?" "What should we make for dinner?" "Where's the potty?" No one answers and I'm left with sympathetic stares. Just waiting for the men in white coats with butterfly nets to whisk me away.

God save the Queen

An unabashed Anglophile, I sometimes follow the press about the Royal family. I notice that Queen Elizabeth always carries her pocket book (it's not a purse or a handbag, I assure you). She has it at state and official visits, galas and even at her grandson's wedding. What on earth could Her Majesty be carrying? Cash? Credit cards? Lipstick? Isn't that why she has a footman and a lady in waiting, so she doesn't have to haul her own crap around?

First Date Questions

A recently divorced friend of mine introduced me to her new beau. I regret that I did not seize the opportunity to grill the guy. I have my friend's best interest at heart, and later suggested some questions she might pose to her new suitor. I offer them here, as a service to the dating public. The questions can be modified for men or women:

1. Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
1A. If yes, have you ever violated your probation?
1B. If no, why weren't you caught?
2. If I were to become disfigured, would you still want to date me?
3. How come you didn't get in to Harvard?
4. If I needed a kidney and yours was a perfect match, would you donate it to me?
5. Do you work on your own car?
6. Have you ever had a manicure? (to be asked of men)
7. Have you ever worn a dress?
8. For heterosexuals: Do you think you might be gay? ("Not that there's anything wrong with that.")
8A. For gays and lesbians: Do you think you could be straight? ("Not that there's anything wrong with that.")
9. Why have you never been married?
10. Why don't you like [add your pet's species here]?
11. Does it bother you that I make more money than you do?
11A. Why don't you make more money than I do?
12. Can you afford me?
13. Why do you still live with your parents?
14. Who did you vote for in the last presidential election?
15. Are those real?

Send a "Sold" Sign

St. Joseph is planted in the front yard. I've moved our gargoyle to the new house, worried he was dissuading potential buyers. The kitchen and laundry room, basement and garage have all been painted. We've removed --donated, trashed or packed-- the extraneous elements of our lives i.e. crap. It's clean and sparkling. Hell, the house looks so good, we're thinking of making an offer on it ourselves.

I deserve a break today

Things I should not have to endure at the age of 44:

•Shoveling our driveway, manually, especially since we are either too stupid, lazy or cheap to find out why our brand new snow blower has never worked.

•A house full of late 20th century hand me down furniture. I feel like I should entertain in our bedroom, the only well appointed room in the house that is representative of our taste and style.

•Feelings of inadequacy amongst my peers. Apparently I am still in high school.

•Other people's mishegas, and my own for that matter. It's time to be a grown up. Maybe...

Ode to the New Preschool Classroom

The toilet is bigger than
our daughter.
She can't reach
the sink.
Who the hell
designed this?

Ode to New School Rules

Don't go up
the down
staircase.
Don't get out of
your car
in the
pick up line.
You can't stay and play
on the
playground.
I feel like I'm
living
in a
police state.