Spouse in the house (file under Pet Peeves)

I know several men who refer to their spouses as "the wife" or "my wife" when talking to me, and I know the women in question. Yet they persist with "my wife is in Chicago this weekend," "I'll tell the wife I saw you," "I'll check with my wife and get back to you," etc.

It's perfectly understandable to use that moniker with a stranger. But with someone who knows the couple? Maybe they have me confused with the cable guy. Maybe they don't see the women they've married as individuals.

So listen up, you husbands, if you can't remember what to call her, check the marriage certificate. She's listed under "Bride."

Oh just say it

Our nearly three year old daughter walks through the restaurant announcing to anyone who'll listen that we're going to the potty. Rather than embarrassment, I feel envy for her and wish I were as uninhibited. I wish I could blurt out whatever is on my mind. I wish I could tell people what I really think of them. And I wonder if people who have Tourette's find any freedom in their disease.

Merry Christmas

It's the time of year when our son bemoans the fact that we don't get a Christmas tree or adorn our lawn with a giant inflatable Santa.

So I found myself commiserating with a Muslim parent about the challenges of being one of a few families at school who don't celebrate Christmas. "It's not like they make marshmallow peep Maccabees," I say, "or Mohammed." And I stop short, wondering if I've joined company with Salman Rushdie.

Scratch "use port-a-potty"

After I duck in to one at River Fest in Cincinnati, my mother-in-law comments that she has never used a port-a-potty. I'm stunned. How does a person make it to 78 without using a port-a-potty? I suggest she put it on her Bucket List, and begin to ponder what should go on mine. Here's a start:

•Master a second language
•Shoplift (just once)
•Learn to sail
•Visit all 50 states (29 down, 21 to go) and 7 continents (only 2 down)
•Find a real purpose
•Publish something
•Buy something truly extravagant like a $1,000 hand bag or $500 jeans
•Learn to lie
•Scream some place where it is totally inappropriate, like a fancy restaurant (though I did an Indian yelp at the Williamsburg Inn when I was 7)
•Travel to Tibet, India, Nepal, Australia, New Zealand, the Galapagos, Italy
•Believe in myself